Winter Bud - Chapter 84

‘It’ll be fine. She has a baby in her belly.’

He never thought a moment would come when Nanna’s pregnancy would be so welcome. It wasn’t jealousy. Of course, he was only human, so he couldn’t say he felt none of it at all. But more than that, it was just painful to watch a woman who had an unwanted pregnancy.

Was it because he was reminded of his mother, who said she didn’t want him many times? On a human level, he felt pity. She was pitiful and heartbreaking. Like a small flower petal striving not to be swept away by a fierce current. He wanted to scoop up that petal with both hands and cradle it carefully.

Should you call this a protective instinct? When he looked at that lonely, dried-up woman, he felt that kind of impulse. That he wanted to become a support she could lean on for the rest of her life. But….

He slumped down and leaned his back. He watched the moonlight seeping in through the narrow window, then closed his eyes. With one hand on his forehead, he let his shoulders droop. How much time passed like that? He could tell time was passing by the fact that three meals came out.

Of course, it was far too shabby and pathetic to call it a meal. But he was in no position not to eat even that, so he chewed on the dry scraps of bread the guard tossed in with a thud. Had three days passed like that?

“Come out.”

The guard ordered in a curt voice. He watched the rusted hinges rattle, then the door opened. When he just stared blankly at the guard, stiff with tension, the man scowled and ordered him again to come out.

With a rigid face, he looked at the military police behind the guard. Men polished so sharply it felt like they could cut your hand were waiting for him. An execution? It wouldn’t be that. If they’d meant to do that, they wouldn’t have left him alone so neatly like this.

He staggered up and thought of the emperor. His throat instinctively twitched and trembled. When he stepped out of the bars, his hands were bound again and he was moved. It had been a long time since he’d seen proper light, so as soon as he went outside, he scrunched his face and turned his head away from the sun.

The military police didn’t give him time to dawdle and dragged him along. Jerix followed them with his head lowered. The place the military police arrived at was a wide open space. A single carriage stood there, and there was nothing else. Jerix lifted his head and looked around, then spotted a woman walking toward him from far away.

“Nanna?”

He flinched and called her name. Nanna, seeing him, also flinched, then quickly closed the distance. One of the military police undid the cuffs binding his hands. Forgetting the eyes around him, he ran to the woman.

“Nanna!”

“Jerix!”

At that familiar voice, the corners of his eyes began to get wet. Hugging the woman tightly, he buried his nose at the back of her neck. She smelled fresh, like the green scent you could smell when you snapped wildflowers to decorate the morning table. He swelled his chest and breathed in her scent. Nanna also closed her eyes and held him.

“…Are you all right?”

“And you, Jerix?”

“I….”

“Y-you weren’t tortured, were you?”

“How could that be?”

He smiled softly. The woman’s face, as she released the arms that had been hugging him and stroked his face, looked desperately earnest and tender. As if tears were surging up, her face soon twisted like she was about to cry, and he cupped her face in both hands.

“Now it’s all right. It’s all right.”

Jerix steadied her. In truth, even he couldn’t tell what was going on. What was with the carriage, and what was with Nanna, dressed as if she’d left the palace? He turned his head to look at the military police. Before he knew it, the chief attendant who had been standing in front of them walked toward him.

“Get in the carriage.”

“What….”

“His Majesty has given the order to leave the palace.”

“Is that true?”

“Do I have any reason to lie to you, sir?”

“It’s not that, but….”

“His Majesty has ordered you to leave the palace.”

Jerix’s eyes widened. Nanna, who had been buried in his arms, also lifted her head. The chief attendant cleared his throat briefly, then began to explain. What they had to do was simple. They only had to get into the carriage like this, and it would be over.

Jerix looked over at the carriage. A carriage that was neither lavish nor very shabby was prepared. The coachman looked seasoned, and it seemed like he could take them safely anywhere. But where, exactly, would that be?

He thought they would discard them like taking out the trash. If he could survive and leave the palace with Nanna, that is. The emperor had no reason to show this kind of consideration. That night, he’d had a face that knew nothing, and so it seemed like he didn’t understand the situation at all.

And that chilling expression… it was something he couldn’t put into words. It was twisted like he’d been hurt by a lover. Like he was looking at a woman who betrayed him and the man who committed adultery with her. Eyes that looked like he would kill him at any moment, and in fact, he drew a sword to kill him.

“So I’ll end the escort here.”

The chief attendant bowed and turned around. Jerix, vacant, stared for a long time at the spot where he’d been standing. Nanna called his name, “Jerix.” He held the woman and gently stroked her thin back, then turned his head to the carriage.

“Let’s go,” Nanna whispered.

Jerix didn’t nod, but he started walking. What was he thinking? Thinking what, to let them out alive like this?

“Jerix.”

Nanna called him again. He tried to relax his stiff expression and face her, but it didn’t go as he wanted. A small hand grabbed his rough hand. Her hand was very warm. Holding that hand, he tried to calm his anxiety.

“You said it’d be fine.”

“I did.”

“Your words will be right. The chief attendant said it. He said His Majesty ordered us to leave the palace.”

“….”

“I met Her Majesty the Empress Dowager.”

Nanna carefully parted her lips. Jerix met her eyes. Nanna continued haltingly. She hadn’t received the order to leave the palace directly from the emperor, but the Empress Dowager had explained everything to Nanna.

She said she’d provide a carriage, and she said she’d let her leave the palace with Jerix. Nanna had been suspicious, but in front of the open space where the carriage stood, there were the chief attendant and the military police carrying out the emperor’s command. So she thought this time it would be real.

The day she last met the emperor, he only stared at Nanna in silence for a long time. He didn’t say he would imprison her or confine her in the detached building. He said he would kill her if she didn’t love him, but he left her alone. He must’ve gotten sick of it too. Nanna thought that.

By the Empress Dowager’s order, at dawn today, after she checked on the sleeping children one last time, she packed her things and came out to the detached building. The Empress Dowager said that after she gave birth outside the palace, the child that was born would be brought to the imperial palace. Nanna nodded. Anyway, when she thought that until she gave birth, she would be able to live comfortably with the imperial family’s consideration, her heart felt much lighter.

“They said they’ll provide a house we can stay in and servants to use.”

“…That’s a relief.”

“It might only be like that until I give birth, but even so, I think we can do well.”

Nanna whispered with a shy face. It felt like she was in a dream. Jerix pulled her tightly into his chest.

***

Slan looked at his father. He wasn’t looking at Slan. He thought that was a relief. Because he didn’t want to be caught in those horrible amber eyes. Slan thought of his mother, who had stroked his head and cried in silence.

She must’ve thought he was asleep, but Slan wasn’t asleep. Since he was a baby, he’d been fussy about sleep, and even now, he was a light sleeper. Even if he fell asleep, he would wake quickly at a small light or a presence.

So of course he woke up at the sound of his mother’s footsteps as she came into the bedroom.

Even so, he didn’t open his eyes. If their eyes met, something would happen, something even he couldn’t predict. He would lose his reason in an instant and sink into emotions he couldn’t control. Like when he burst into tears in his father’s arms.

He didn’t want to be scared, and he didn’t want to sink into confusion. Likewise, he didn’t want to show the sight of clinging to his mother and shedding tears.

He was young, but he couldn’t live according to his age.

Slan had understood this for a long time. That he had nowhere to lean on. Pathetic as it was, it was fate, and if he didn’t accept it, it was only a matter that would make him suffer more. But what about his father?