Winter Bud - Chapter 83

“Sir Jerix, Sir Jerix and I….”

“You said you loved me. You always looked at me with eyes that desired me.”

“That was….”

“Then how could you betray me?”

His calm face twisted in an instant. Even the face that crumpled crudely, as if distorted, was handsome. Nanna looked at him quietly, then rolled her lips in and bit down. He said he knew too. That Nanna had admired Orestes…. But now. Now, what meaning did that even have?

That didn’t matter. It was never a meaningful fact.

“Now….”

“Not now? Why?”

He laughed a little. Nanna swallowed her anxiety and chose the words she wanted to say. What Nanna wanted now was nothing but to leave the palace and be with Jerix. If she couldn’t marry him, it was fine just to be together.

“Because your daughter died? Does it feel like that’s my fault?”

“Your Majesty.”

“Or are you angry because I didn’t mourn that child’s death? Is that it?”

Cold madness swirled in his eyes. Nanna stared quietly into those eyes. The “that child” the emperor was talking about must mean Freya. It felt like one corner of her chest was being sliced off with a rasping sound. With a gloomy face, Nanna thought of her dead daughter.

For a very long time, even remembering that child for a moment made her feel like her heart would stop from pain. It felt like her entire life was being carved away like that. Like her heart had rotted black and was letting out dead blood. It was pain she never wanted to go through again.

Holding and raising a child felt like something that always came with the fear that you might lose that child at any time. That was why Nanna didn’t want children. Because she loved children too much. The emperor probably didn’t know a heart like this. He would never be able to understand it.

Now she didn’t even want to be understood.

“Tell me.”

Unlike his earnest voice, Orestes’s urging was sharp. Enough to feel like a threat. But Nanna wasn’t afraid of him anymore.

“…Freya doesn’t matter.”

“Then what the hell are you thinking!”

He shouted as if screaming. Nanna flinched, then hardened her face. This was the first time she’d seen his face so twisted. That is, it was the first time Orestes had ever gotten this angry and looked at her like he wanted to kill her.

Nanna stopped breathing and licked her lips. It wasn’t just him barking at her. It was like he was coughing up his rage as if vomiting blood. She couldn’t understand it at all.

“Why, why are you like this. The Empress Dowager definitely said so. She said she’d find me a new husband. She said that, she said that….”

“You’re carrying my child!”

Orestes shouted. Both hands grabbed her shoulders. Nanna looked up at him with a stunned face. Moisture gathered in his amber eyes. Nanna trembled in small shakes and raised both hands, trying to push his chest away.

So what if she was carrying his child? It didn’t mean anything. Nanna had always carried his child. From the beginning, she entered the palace to do that, and even if they weren’t faithful to each other, they were faithful to their respective roles.

Nanna also did her best in her own way. Even when they lived together as spouses, weren’t they not bound by romantic feelings anyway? So Nanna slowly adapted to that life. Now she could even accept it as it was when Orestes slighted her or oppressed her.

Because she wasn’t Thea. The sense of loss from losing a wife was the kind of emotion she couldn’t dare measure. And after losing Freya, she was able to give up even more. He didn’t have anything like paternal love.

He didn’t have even a bit of a heart that loved children. What if he’d lost Slan? He would’ve been troubled because he’d lost an heir, but he wouldn’t have felt the same emotions as her. A sense of loss, or self-loathing. Guilt and longing. The heart-rending pain. It didn’t seem like he had that.

After that, Nanna didn’t leave even a small scrap of affection in her heart. It wasn’t that she wanted to steel herself and become that way. Those feelings died very slowly… and at some point, she realized she didn’t love him anymore.

Really, at some point, she looked at him and didn’t feel anything. She was only afraid or flustered. Orestes coming to find her, forcing his seed into her body like excretion, was painful and difficult. If she could, she wanted to be far away from Orestes.

She thought Orestes must be the same as her. Nanna looked at him through unfamiliar, fearful feelings. It was so strange that he kept bringing up the child. It was really nothing, so why….

“You said you loved me. You said you loved my children too. But how can you, you….”

“This, this is just my duty.”

“You….”

“You said it was a duty. That holding me was your duty. Me carrying Your Majesty’s child is just… just part of that.”

With a pale face, Nanna licked her lips. Her firm jaw trembled slightly. He looked like he’d been insulted. No, he also looked like he’d been abandoned. As if Nanna had rejected him. The hands gripping her looked like they were clinging.

Even though that couldn’t be, this incomprehensible situation made her fall into that misunderstanding.

“I don’t love Your Majesty anymore.”

“Don’t speak so carelessly,” Orestes warned.

The moisture that had welled up ran down her cheeks. Nanna shook her head. When she squirmed and grunted, trying to get away from him, Orestes put strength into both hands holding her.

She hated that he kept trying to hold her back when she had nothing left to say. Nanna scrunched her eyes and shouted, “I don’t want this! Let go!”

“I said don’t speak as you please just because you’re angry.”

“That’s not it!”

It wasn’t that she was angry and babbling as she pleased. Nanna opened her eyes wide and glared at him. Why did he always misunderstand and decide on his own? Why did he always presume her heart? Nanna wasn’t saying it because she was angry.

In fact, she wasn’t even angry. She was only flustered, and she wanted to persuade him. Because for Jerix and her to leave the palace safely, he had to understand and accept all of this. But Orestes kept saying strange things.

“I’m not angry! I’m fine. I haven’t lost my reason even a little!”

“Then why are you spouting that kind of bullshit!”

“What….”

“You don’t love me? Do you want to die?”

It was a dreadful thing to say. If she didn’t love him, she would die. Wasn’t that no different from violence. In truth, it was the same as intimidation. Nanna turned white and panted. Her legs kept going weak. Orestes supported her as if hauling up her waist.

“I can’t remember the moment I loved Your Majesty anymore.”

“….”

“That time feels like a past life. It’s faint and vague. So it even feels like I never loved you.”

Nanna swallowed dryly. Then she slowly took out the words that had been knotted inside her heart. Like examining each grain one by one. She straightened the tangled mumbling and whispered it neatly.

“I love Jerix. Like Your Majesty loves Lady Thea. I love him like that.”

***

His colleague’s expression was indifferent as he stripped away the armband symbolizing the imperial family. They hadn’t been close without boundaries, but he thought they’d been friendly in their own way…. Maybe because he was carrying out the order to imprison him, he seemed to be restraining his emotions as much as possible. Jerix turned his gaze to his hands, now bound tightly with rope.

His sword was taken, and he also had to take off his guard uniform. Dressed in nothing but a simple shirt and pants, he was dragged away by the guards without delay. No matter how much he’d rolled through harsh places, it was his first time in a prison, so in front of that dank cell with bars where no light came in, he couldn’t help swallowing.

“Get in.”

When he stopped, the guard standing behind him poked him with the tip of a spear and ordered him. Jerix moved his feet. Since things had come to this, he should be worrying about the future, but more than that, he was worried about what situation Nanna was in.