Winter Bud - Chapter 78

Orestes was always courteous to Thea. Like Jerix had done to her a moment ago, he would hold out his hand and escort her gracefully. He would kiss the back of her hand and call her “Lady,” and Thea took that courtesy for granted. Sermione was the same. Only Nanna….

‘Well, I’m not a lady.’

Nanna looked at Jerix, hiding her gloomy feelings. His features weren’t as dazzling as Orestes’s or Sermione’s. He didn’t have the perfect appearance of a “young god” that noble ladies praised. If anything, he had a bit of the plain innocence of a farm youth. A gentle, cheerful face, like a shepherd who herded sheep with a border collie by his side.

Nanna felt comfortable with that face. It wasn’t sharp enough to cut your hand, and she couldn’t feel that gaze that looked down at Nanna and seemed to pick her apart like an object. In short, he didn’t feel like a man she couldn’t reach. Of course, Jerix did grow up in a noble family, but in any case, the warmth the man before her showed was intoxicating.

It felt like she had truly become a lady. It was the first respect she’d ever received in her life, so it felt strange too. When she rolled her lips in slightly and lowered her gaze, Jerix lifted his hand and tucked her fallen hair behind her ear.

“Are you feeling a bit better now?”

“Yes?”

“The cold.”

“I-I’m not very cold.”

Stammering, Nanna pulled the cloak he’d draped over her shoulders tight with both hands. Her heart would beat fast, but when he spoke to her, she couldn’t feel her pulse at all. Nanna quickly swallowed her dry saliva. She wanted to say something, anything. Something like thank you. Something like she hoped they could spend time like this, in the future, from now on. But she was too embarrassed…. She was afraid she’d look strange if she said anything. And she was afraid his feelings would drift away.

Because she was a woman carrying another man’s child. At least if the man in front of her were divorced, she wouldn’t feel this sorry, but he was unmarried and he didn’t have any children. But she….

“I-I’m sorry.”

“What do you mean?”

“That….”

“Don’t worry about it. Feet can always be stepped on. And honestly, I stepped on the hem of your dress a little too.”

He smiled. Nanna lifted her head. His round smile was good-natured and kind. She couldn’t feel even a hint of murkiness, so for no reason her chest hurt. She wanted to be a more upright woman. She wanted to be a woman without any lacking for him. But Nanna wasn’t anyone’s first at anything. She felt like she might cry.

“Madam.”

“A-are you sure you won’t regret it?”

“What….”

“The Empress Dowager, the Empress Dowager said so. If I want it, you and I… th-that is, for me to become your wife….”

Her words trailed off in embarrassment. Jerix looked at her with startled eyes, and she was afraid he would part his lips and say it was the first time he’d heard this. Even if they talked about marriage and a family, she and Jerix had never once talked about this matter.

Feeling her heart pounding like mad, Nanna looked up at him. The man looked at her as if a little surprised, then he paused. With an uneasy face, Nanna stared at his closed lips. It was hard to keep her gaze there.

It was the moment she was about to say she’d go back, because it was hard to endure the man who hadn’t said anything for a long time.

“Madam.”

Her wrist was grabbed. When Nanna reflexively tried to shake that hand off, he immediately let go and stepped back two paces. Nanna blinked her eyes, which were starting to get wet, and felt along the hand he’d grabbed.

“I don’t understand what you mean, madam.”

“Huh, what part?”

“I mean what you said about not regretting it.”

“I….”

It was an unexpected answer. Her reddish cheeks trembled slightly. Then, suddenly, a neat hand wiped beneath her eye. Only then did Nanna realize she was crying. It hurt like her heart had been burned. Like it had been cooked by fire….

“You’re perfect, but I’m not.”

“You’re saying I’m perfect?”

“I, I’m not, not my first time, and I already have three children. And, and I even ended up carrying a baby like this.”

Nanna shook his hand off and wiped her drenched cheeks with her own hand. Becoming Sermione’s bedmaid, marrying the emperor when she didn’t want to…. None of it was Nanna’s will. She was just shoved along by the will of those who were noble and lofty. Like a part without feelings, she was fit into somewhere. Having a child was one of those things.

Nanna loved the children, but she didn’t have them because she wanted to. If she said something like this, Orestes would say it was a lie again. Why did he keep saying her sincerity wasn’t real? Nanna had never lied to Orestes.

It was true she admired him, but she never wanted any reward. She never, never had any intention like stealing what belonged to Thea…. And yet he kept calling it a lie. He said she was acting out a lie because she wanted something. She couldn’t understand how he came to that conclusion. It was unfair.

Now, even the past where she’d admired him was so vague it felt like a past life. To the point she wondered how she could’ve held such feelings toward Orestes at all. That past didn’t matter anymore. In other words, just like Orestes didn’t think her feelings mattered. What mattered to Nanna was the man in front of her.

At last, she felt like she was ready to truly want someone. That is, that she liked Jerix. That she wanted to love him. It was the first time in her life she’d ever felt feelings this desperate and fierce. Nanna was afraid his heart would drift away when he saw her swollen belly.

Because this child wasn’t his. No matter how broad-minded a man was, it seemed like he wouldn’t be able to accept a woman carrying another man’s child. That was normal. Even so, Nanna wanted Jerix to like her. Even if it wasn’t liking her and it was only pity, it was fine.

“Madam.”

“I didn’t want it, I didn’t choose to have it. It’s just that, just that His Majesty….”

“….”

“I was originally Her Majesty the Empress’s maid. Her Majesty kept me from when she was a young girl… that’s how it happened. His Majesty needed children….”

Nanna sniffled and kept wiping her cheeks again and again. She thought she’d look filthy as her makeup came off. The powder she’d spread on, the rouge, must’ve smeared messily. Even so, the tears kept coming.

She didn’t want it to end up like this, but her life, already ruined, was so horrifying. The emperor’s anger that had burst on her filled her head densely. Just as he said, Nanna was the emperor’s womb. One that could walk around the palace on two legs….

“Madam, I know what you want to say. So you don’t have to say any more.”

“But, but if I don’t say it….”

Her wet voice trembled. Nanna panted and looked up at him. The man still had a gentle face. It really seemed like he knew what Nanna wanted to say. But Nanna was anxious. Because there were words she wanted to hear from him.

“…I want to be with you. But you don’t like me.”

“Madam.”

“I’m afraid you’ll think I’m a woman who’s become more, more filthy.”

“That’s not true.”

“Really?”

“I also want to take you as my wife. Your past and your present aren’t important to me.”

His dry murmur was so firm it almost felt stern. Nanna stared at him blankly. Maybe because her chest was surging, her head felt a little dizzy. Still, Nanna stood straight and met his brown eyes.

“Do you like me?”

“Yes.”

“Do you really, really want to marry me?”

“I do.”

At a confession she couldn’t believe even as she heard it, Nanna’s face twisted. Tears welled up again. Then her legs suddenly went weak. Because she was so happy…. Because the feeling surging inside her was so overwhelming she couldn’t understand it, she felt like she might die.

Nanna licked her lips, then tried calling him, “Sir Jerix.” She wanted him to hold her. Even lightly was fine, she just wanted him to hold her like he was supporting Nanna, who felt like she was about to collapse.

“I like you.”

As if he’d noticed Nanna’s feelings, Jerix stepped closer. Nanna couldn’t hold back and threw herself into his arms. It was something that couldn’t happen for a lady. But Nanna wasn’t a lady. She was just a farm girl. She wasn’t a noble lady like Thea. A proper lady was supposed to wait until a knight confessed. She was supposed to be demure and careful, they said. But Nanna didn’t need to keep that kind of etiquette.

“I really, r-really like you.”

Nanna burst into tears. In the man’s chest, she lifted her head. With a slightly stiff face, Jerix called, “Nanna.” In rapture, it felt like her face would burst. It was when tears drunk on joy were starting to run down her cheeks.

Jerix seized Nanna’s chin. Her eyes slowly closed. Soft lips gently covered hers. She couldn’t feel the heart that had been pounding. Was that why? Nanna didn’t sense a presence. Jerix didn’t either.

“How dare you commit adultery in my palace….”

It was a low voice like a blade. Nanna opened her eyes and slowly turned her head.