A Mad Lady’s Confession - Chapter 28

Someone’s admiration and affection were not unfamiliar to Matthias.

Though the way those emotions were expressed differed, they all carried a similar kind of resonance, so Matthias could recognize them at any time.

He had seen that same resonance in Eleanor, the kind most women in the capital possessed.

At their first meeting, seeing her cheeks flush, he read the fondness she held toward him.

It wasn’t anything special or meaningful. To be honest, he’d received that sort of feeling to the point of boredom.

He was more gentlemanly and closer to being rational than any other nobleman in Römern, but by nature, Matthias couldn’t help being arrogant. You could say his only lack was that he lacked nothing.

He had never longed desperately for someone. He had never shed tears from missing someone, nor had he ever experienced emotions that surged wildly like a ship caught in a stormy sea.

He had never once tried, nor even attempted, to understand the hearts and feelings of the ladies who sent him tear-stained letters. His indifference was cruel, yet the more he was like that, the more fervent their reactions became.

The more he pushed them away, the more he turned his gaze aside, the more it was the women who grew restless and desperate.

From the moment he reached an age where he could draw the attention of the opposite sex until now, that one-sided dynamic of affection had continued without change.

That liking someone could make a person lower themselves so desperately, Matthias had only ever learned from the position of the one receiving it.

That was why he felt offended. Because he was being made to experience things he had never experienced before.

Because Eleanor Brynhill, that pale-faced woman who couldn’t hide her budding affection, wasn’t obedient toward him.

Because even after committing a wrongdoing, she said he didn’t take her side and behaved in a way completely unbefitting of a noble lady, leaving him rather taken aback.

Matthias thought that such an attitude stemmed from the agreed-upon one-year period. No matter what she did, that one year was guaranteed, so that must be why.

His absence from the estate for the past three days was, therefore, a kind of punishment. A punishment for the woman who hadn’t behaved as he was accustomed to.

It was both a warning and a punishment, meant to subtly inform her that if she continued with such an attitude, she might not see even a single strand of his hair for the entire year.

He was one of the very few people who could punish someone simply by withholding his presence, and through experience, he knew it well.

Watching the pouring rain, Matthias leaned back leisurely against the carriage seat.

He found himself quite curious about what kind of expression the woman might be wearing. Someone might call it a bad taste, but who would dare say such a thing to Matthias Nielsen?

Without realizing that he had never once cared about the expressions of anyone who liked him, he found himself wishing the carriage would arrive at the estate a little sooner.

Thanks to the well-maintained road, even in the heavy rain, the carriage came to a safe stop in front of the white stone mansion. As the carriage door opened, an elderly butler holding a large umbrella greeted him.

“Have you finally returned?”

His long legs stepped down, and he immediately looked around. Even in the dim night, the lobby entrance was brightly lit, but only the head maid and a footman were waiting there. The person he expected wasn’t in sight.

“….”

The rain was pouring down as if a curtain had been drawn, so it was certain the weather was too harsh to notice the carriage passing through the gate.

It wasn’t even midnight, just about dinner time. Since she wouldn’t be asleep, Matthias assumed the reason the woman hadn’t come out was because she didn’t yet know he had returned.

“Shall I have dinner prepared?”

“Bath first.”

He gave a brief order and strode up the stairs.

By the time he warmed his body in the quickly filled bath and left the bathroom to reach the dressing room, the only ones who came were the butler and the maid preparing the bath.

The news must have been delivered, and by now, she should have come running over even without being called. He asked the butler standing by his side.

“What is my wife doing? It’s early. Has she gone to sleep?”

“Ah, madam is reading in the cabinet.”

“…Reading? It seems you didn’t inform her of my return.”

“Mrs. Nella did inform her, but she was so absorbed in her reading…”

The hand fastening the mother-of-pearl buttons on his shirt stopped. He turned and asked the butler again, “Absorbed in her reading? And then?”

“…Well, she nodded.”

A slight nod, that was all.

A low, hollow laugh slipped from Matthias’s throat. What kind of book could be that important?

What should he do? Should he turn back to the second house as he was?

Outside, the rain was still pouring heavily, and he didn’t want to dirty his freshly washed body again.

Besides, this was his home. Even though he’d spent the past three days at his other residence, the second house, a sense of ownership over his own space stirred anew. More than anything, a stubborn urge rose within him that he had to see the woman today.

Matthias fastened the front of his shirt again and spoke as calmly as possible, “Go and tell my wife. Tell her I would like to have dinner together.”

“Yes.”

His words were immediately relayed to the errand maid waiting outside.

From his room to the cabinet on the lower floor would take no more than ten minutes. At most, by the time a cup of tea was brewed, the woman would have changed her clothes and be in the dining room, sitting quietly and waiting for him until he appeared.

He planned to go out as slowly as possible. On the table by the window, the butler had just prepared tea. He picked up the teacup leisurely, intending to finish it before getting up.

“Sir.”

When he turned his gaze, the seasoned butler stood there with a very troubled expression. As if he already knew what Matthias was about to say just by his expression, the butler spoke first.

“Madam says she is currently reading a very important… passage.”

“…What?”

True to his nature as a loyal servant, the butler paused slightly and chose his words carefully so that his master wouldn’t misunderstand.

“She says she is reading a page so urgent that she cannot put it down.”

“I may be drinking tea, but that doesn’t mean I have time to spare.”

He wanted the matter conveyed clearly and plainly. At that meaning, the butler answered with practiced courtesy.

“…She said it would be difficult to have dinner together.”

“…And?”

“She also said she hopes you will… enjoy the abundance of the table… on your own.”

He didn’t even listen to the rest. This was a clear refusal.

The first refusal of his life.

And from a woman, at that.

Outside the window, thunder cracked as if the sky were splitting apart.

***

I trust you’ll remember what I said, El.

Not all negative emotions are bad. Feeling anger isn’t something that can be called wrong.

But you must resolve that anger in the right way. When your anger surges, try the following methods so that a healthy mind can overcome it.

1. Take a deep breath in and out.
2. You may think of something that makes you feel good.
3. Imagine something large and warm wrapping around your body.
4. There is a vast ocean inside your mind. Think of anger as waves rising in that ocean, and imagine calming the storm.

Lastly, you are not ‘Del.’

Do not let ‘Del’ scatter your life.

From Dr. Milton.

Only after carefully looking over even Dr. Milton’s signature at the end of the letter did Eleanor neatly fold the paper.

The letter she was told to read whenever she felt angry had become crumpled at the corners from being read over and over.

When she first read this letter, she had only found Dr. Milton’s concern puzzling. That was because she had decided she would be happy for the next 365 days. She had already firmly resolved that those days alone would be filled with moments worth remembering in her life.

So she had thought there would be nothing to make her angry, that she wouldn’t feel anger or sadness.

“….”

In truth, she was a little afraid.

On the day she felt anger toward Miss Sorelson, it felt as if some kind of switch in her mind had been pressed and she had become something else.

Yes, as if she had truly become ‘Del.’

She didn’t want to spend the remaining time like that. No matter what situation came, she wanted to hold herself together. Even if only for one year. Whatever happened after that didn’t matter.

“I didn’t realize you were such an avid reader, my wife.”

At the sudden low voice cutting through her thoughts, Eleanor turned her head.