Winter Bud - Chapter 100

The table in the sunny weather was simple. Because Milla alone couldn’t set out a grand lunch. So Nanna rolled up her sleeves. Orestes also rolled up his sleeves, unable to just watch.

As a result of the three of them spending time in the kitchen together, the table came to look fairly like a table set for guests, but it was still hard to call it abundant. Stella stared blankly at her parents sitting across from her. She couldn’t remember when they last sat face-to-face and ate a meal like this.

It was when she was really young. That is, when her brother was only as big as Alexis. Even if she wanted to dwell on it, her memory was vague, so she couldn’t remember clearly what things were like then. Still, when her mother stayed in the Western Palace, her father often took them to see her.

“Eat.”

Her father said as he lifted his spoon. Slan and Stella began eating in turn. The stew, simmered with lamb until tender, and the fried pumpkin blossoms were very delicious. She felt like she ate food like this when she was little too, or was that just her imagination? Their mother often cooked for them herself.

It might not be anything special for commoners, but well-off landowner wives with comfortable households rarely laid a hand in the kitchen. Much less someone who’d been an empress consort. In the eyes of the people in the imperial palace, there was no way that every small thing she did wouldn’t look strange.

Even so, Stella liked her mother. Her mother alone was her only ally. But….

“You’re so young, young lady, yet you’re getting married. Your mother must be very saddened.”

“Ah….”

“Still, since she’s surely taking a good person as her husband, wouldn’t the young lady’s mother be very happy too?”

Before Stella could reply to Nanna’s words, Orestes answered. Stella stared at her father. Just as her mother hadn’t changed, the same was true of him. He hadn’t changed much. His big, thick body, and his sharp face…. Even that piercing spirit. It was all the same. Her brother often faced him and discussed state affairs, but she wasn’t like that.

Her father was truly indifferent to his children. Her and Alexis… it felt like they were just chess pieces needed for politics. Even though it was something she knew, bitterness washed over her. Then, as Orestes lifted his glass and swallowed liquor, he said he’d go smoke and went outside. Slan slowly rose from the table, saying he would step away for a moment too.

“Are you angry?”

Slan asked his father, who had a cigarette between his lips. Orestes, exhaling smoke, turned to him. His eyes were sharp, but Slan wasn’t afraid. Because he was no longer a child. He thought he might end up facing him anyway.

But fulfilling his sister’s wish came first. No, maybe that was only an excuse. Maybe he was the one who wanted to see his mother. So if not now, he might never get another chance.

That was what he thought. Once he thought that, even this much craziness became nothing. No matter that he was an emperor with only half-baked power, he was still the emperor. But leaving the imperial palace for days like this without warning….

It was absurd. It was unacceptable. Still….

“It was Stella’s wish.”

“….”

“I wanted to grant it.”

Slan lowered his gaze. Then he added, “I apologize.” His father didn’t say anything. He only stared at him for a long time, then indifferently turned his gaze away. Slan thought he might get punched. Since there was no way to punish the emperor, would he vent his anger physically? That was what he thought.

His father was the emperor, and even in this situation, in essence, he was a warrior. Yet not even a small reproach was heard.

“Father.”

“Just go.”

“…Yes.”

“Don’t come looking for her like this again.”

“….”

“If you love your mother. If, deep in your heart, you truly want her to be at peace…. Listen to me.”

Slan lifted his head. He wasn’t looking at him. He was only watching the clear sky and burning his cigarette.

Lunch continued into late afternoon. The table was cheerful, and contrary to Orestes’s worries, there was no sign of any unease or omen of misfortune.

Nanna laughed with Stella the entire time. In front of her, Stella talked about what a gentle and warm person her fiancé, who would soon be her groom, was. Handsome and wealthy…. More than anything, she said he cared only for her. Even though it was not her own matter, Nanna felt deeply happy, as if her own daughter were marrying such a man. With a moved expression, Orestes quietly watched the woman listening to Stella.

The four of them parted near evening. Nanna packed various foods for them as they said they were heading to their maternal family. Fried pumpkin blossoms, and candied violets. She packed simple foods like cherries and dried apricots and placed them in Stella’s arms. As she did, she didn’t forget to say congratulations.

Stella hugged the small basket her mother gave her to her chest and looked at her.

“Live happily.”

“….”

“Even if it’s hard, trust your husband…. Live while supporting each other.”

“…Yes.”

Stella looked at her without even nodding. She wanted to ask, “Will I be able to see you again?” but she couldn’t. Her lips wouldn’t part. If they separated like this, when would she be able to see her again? Even if they lived far apart, she might be able to come see her brother sometimes, very rarely, under the name of a national event or a visit home, with a long vacation granted, but it wouldn’t be her mother.

Because her father would never allow it again. When she thought of that, her feet wouldn’t move. Stella looked at her with a face like she might cry. Instead of saying, “We’ll be able to meet again, right?” she slowly opened her lips.

“C-could you hug me just once?” Stella asked with her gaze lowered.

Nanna stared at her quietly, then slowly held out both arms. Stella held back her tears and leaned into her chest.

When was the last time she’d been in her mother’s arms? When was it? When was the last time? A hug she’d only ever drawn in dreams. But even in her dreams, Stella couldn’t be held. She only watched from far away, and then her mother disappeared. Like fog….

A tender hand suddenly stroked her head. Stella shut her eyes tight as if enduring a cane. Not crying was too hard.

***

“What are you thinking about?”

Nanna was sitting at the edge of the bed and looking out the window. The thick greenery had grown prickly, like the fang of a young bear. Orestes stared at her quietly, then sat gently beside her. The bed creaked and groaned, but Nanna didn’t care. In her two hands, she held a mirror. He carefully looked up at the woman.

“Nanna.”

“I wasn’t thinking about anything.”

“Then why are you holding a mirror?”

“Just….”

Nanna gave a small laugh. She smiled faintly as if telling him he didn’t need to look so heavy. Orestes pulled the woman who’d turned her gaze away into his arms. This peace was too precious to him. Not that it was so wonderful because he could receive her love, but simply that it mattered that Nanna had found peace. He hugged the small body as if he might crush it.

Nanna sometimes held up a mirror and looked closely at her face. Maybe she thought that if she examined it like that, memories of her past life might come back. So she would often look into the mirror like that. Orestes couldn’t stop her.

He recalled what the alchemist had said.

“Until now, no one has regained their past memories with this technique. It’s a little different from the method used on Jerix Rotusi. This alchemy is made from Your Majesty’s blood.”

A low voice, like a machine, with no emotion, rang in his head. Dangling from his hand, he hauled up the dazed woman, and he took Nanna’s attack, as she tried to kill him, head-on. Even so, the feeble touch wasn’t that threatening. His chest and shoulder were cut, but that was all. He looked at the woman panting and wheezing as she exhaled shallow breaths.

“You want to die?”

“Don’t stop me. Please….”

“I’m trying to help you.”

“Liar.”

“It’s true. Nanna. I want to help you.”

He looked at Nanna with a desperate face. Nanna shook her head, then, maybe dizzy, she staggered and collapsed onto the floor. He lifted Nanna, who was covered in cold sweat, into his arms. With no strength, Nanna couldn’t get up. She struggled, wanting to get away from him, but it was nothing more than an attempt.

He stared at the woman for a while and thought of Jerix Rotusi. Like him, wouldn’t it be fine if Nanna lived while having lost her memories too? There was nothing she could turn back. So wouldn’t it be better to cut it away? Wouldn’t it be better to start again from separation? If that was the only way to save Nanna, he wanted to do it willingly. So he took unconscious Nanna and returned to the imperial palace again. And….

“Cici will be okay, right?”

“What?”

“She’ll live well, right?”

Nanna turned to him. Orestes stared at her distantly. “Cici” was the alias Stella had said in front of Nanna. He turned his gaze away and parted his lips.

“She’ll be fine. Do you think her father wouldn’t have chosen a good man for her?”

Orestes murmured in a voice devoid of humor. In his arms, Nanna answered, “Yeah.” The evening was quiet.

Orestes prayed that this quiet would continue for a long time. That even the death they would reach someday would be peaceful. If only he could do that, he could cut away anything again.

–<Winter Bud>, Fin.